The Year of "Lasts"

As we come upon the final weekend of summer I find myself longing for just a little bit more, for summer to extend itself to me. I’m not ready. I don’t know if I will ever be ready. I have to be brave but the thoughts in my head are flying and twirling and my heart no longer beats to these thoughts it pounds. My eyes glare at him with pride and tears often freely flow from them because I need more time and there just isn’t any left.

Next week we will start the year of “lasts” as my oldest son starts his Senior year of High School.  In nine days I will take his last 1^st day of school picture, in a couple months he will start his last high school basketball season and eventually I will go to his last basketball game, his last Band Concert, the last sports banquet, be witness to his last Prom and in eight months I will take graduation pictures.  I am aware that all these “lasts” lead to great new adventures, opportunities and a future for him that is endless but it doesn’t take away the lump in my throat as I fight back tears writing this because I know every day of this school year is another day closer to him leaving me. 

As I scroll through social media I notice many  posting about their children starting Kindergarten and their comments about it. They can't believe it and they are not ready. I think it’s us; the parents who are not ready because our children are ready. I also realized that although we may not feel ready we; the parents are the ones who make sure they are ready for whatever milestone they are coming upon. You see from the day they are born we are guiding and leading them to and through each milestone preparing them for success yet we never prepare ourselves to cope with all the changes along the way.

I often times feel alone when I am with my friends who all have young children and even in some of my Mom groups. I listen to everyone, encourage and support. I validate their feelings because I understand what it’s like to leave your baby at daycare for the first time, the emotions of their first day of Kindergarten, and the worries of middle school and high school. I know the feelings of your tween finally becoming an actual teenager and I know the fears that those teen years bring.  I don't think their emotions of all those things are any less than mine. Their feelings are valid and real because I know and I vividly remember; I felt just like them.  But I won’t pretend that at times I just want to scream. I want to scream because they don’t realize that they are just starting or maybe stumbling through the middle and I’m over here waving my white flag feeling like everything is ending.  It’s a feeling I don't know how to process yet and sometimes I just want to yell  “My son is preparing to leave me, he's leaving home, he's leaving us and I don’t know what to do”. I want to tell them that they will be okay, that now looking back all those things are simpler and this moment, this year of all the "lasts" that is fast approaching has to be hardest part for me as a Mother. I want to tell them how fast it goes. I want them to believe me because it's so true and it's not just something people say.  I want someone to tell me how to prepare myself for my life to walk out the door because in about 359 days he's going to and I don't want him to.

I know we will journey through this year of "lasts" as millions of parents before us have. I will beg repeatedly that the time go slow. I will enjoy all of the things that this year will bring to us and I will watch my son continue to grow, experience, learn and enjoy his last year of high school. I will beam with pride in his light and I will cry. I will cry a lot however I will try my best to remind myself that for every "last" we go through brings him closer to something brand new and even more amazing.