Friday, November 6, 2015
It’s the day you left us. It’s the day you left ME. It’s the day that left me without a father.
It’s the day so many of us lost you but this; this is about me. You left ME. You left me fatherless, motherless, left my kids and they were still so young. They miss you. I miss you. You left me just like that and that’s not how it was suppose to go. I’m still mad.
I have spent 1,461 days without you; each day different and each day bringing me to this day; today. It’s the day 4 years later that brings me down, brings me back to that awful day and floods me full of memories about what you meant to me.
You were so simple. You were fun and goofy. You made fun of me yet would do anything to help or protect me. You were sometimes such a controlling jerk yet you still tickled my knees if I was riding in the car with you even as an adult with two kids of my own. A man of few words yet a man who I always knew loved me so so much. I always thought you would be there for me until you weren’t.
A lot of things are different now but so much is still the same. You would be so proud of me, of the kids and how we go on. I can think of you and smile most days instead of drowning silently or alone in my tears. I see you in so many things like the lake, clouds, sunsets and stars. I feel you with us, looking over us even though I can’t physically see you. I believe in the signs and how you visit us in our dreams.
I am a different person and although I wish everyday you were still here the person I turned into because you aren’t is my saving grace.
Tuesday, October 27, 2015
You always see those meme pictures “May your life be as awesome as you pretend it to be on facebook” and you laugh or give an eye roll as that someone pops instantly into your mind. I myself am an open book. I don’t pretend that my life is awesome because I believe my life is awesome. I have come to believe in myself, my purpose and recognize my strengths. I decide how my life is going to be. I have a husband who I love and who loves me. I have what I believe are the best boys in the world who are my world. I take pride in their awesomeness and they are by far my greatest accomplishment. I was meant to be their Mother, it’s the biggest thing about my life and it’s what gives me the most confidence. I am their mother, I am a good mother and I am not pretending.
My Husband loves me and I love him. We enjoy being with each other, going out with friends together or just grabbing a drink together on a random weeknight. We like being together. We like each others company and we are not pretending.
We are a family of four. We all laugh, tease each other and hug a lot. We help each other and find simple ways to show appreciation and love. We all tell each other every day at some point no matter what that we love one another. We all love each other so much and we are not pretending.
We love all our extended family and friends. We celebrate, support and help them however or whenever we can. We enjoy seeing them, making plans and spending time with them. We don’t get to see many of them as much as we would like but when we are together we enjoy it and we are not pretending.
The question is; What is pretending? Who’s pretending?
Is pretending not sharing the cute picture of myself but instead posting the one at the worst angle with my hair in my face and my right eye closed?
Is pretending not posting the great picture of my husband and I at his company event but instead should of told you that my Husband is some kind a “loser” or that his job sucks because that same company hasn’t let him be home one night with us since school started to help me with rides to practice, afterschool pickups, dinner, homework or showers? Of course not.
Is pretending telling you what a great big brother my 16yo is for taking time to carve a pumpkin with his 6yo brother when instead I should of told you how he just slammed his bedroom door in his little brothers face because he’s being so annoying while he’s trying to do homework?
Is pretending telling you how much I love my family and sharing our fun times when I should of instead told you about how I lost it the other day because no one cleans up after themselves?
Is pretending finally getting together with a friend and taking a fun pretty selfie together when I should of told you it took us breaking plans five times to finally get here?
Are we pretending or are we all just living real life? Aren’t we all in the same boat? Who wants to listen to constant complaining or negativity so we share the good, the love and the fun.
I don’t necessarily think anyone is pretending. I think people want other people to see the best of them.
The next time you are scrolling through remember we are all the same, just people trying to make it through life the best we can. As you scroll and see the perfect family who looks all together when you feel a mess remember it may have taken them ten frustrating tries with screaming and crying to get that great shot but they still look as great as their love is for one another. It’s life, it’s not pretending.
Wednesday, August 5, 2015
It’s hard to believe that you are turning 6 years old. Although we tried for months for you I can remember wondering while I was pregnant with you in what ways; in what capacity I could love you. I would love you of course, I already did love you but I questioned myself. Did I have enough love for you? Was my heart capable of giving you enough love? I already knew how much I loved your brother and I just couldn’t fathom loving someone else that much too. Was my heart big enough for you? Then you came thrashing into the world a month earlier than expected and in that scary moment there wasn’t anything more I ever wanted, wished for or prayed for more than YOU and that you my little baby boy would be okay. Right then, I knew I had enough love; it was pouring out and all over through my tears, in my mind and through my heart. My heart was pounding and there was no doubt it was big enough for you too. I loved you instantly just as much as I loved your brother and I never questioned my capability of loving you, EVER again. Mother’s just have this ability to love that you will never understand nor should you ever question.
It’s hard sometimes to remember what my life was like before you scared and surprised us with your arrival. You had us on the edge of our seat that day and every day since. You are a firecracker. You are so talkative, outgoing, funny, courageous, loud, creative, smart, lovable, random, rough, kind and carefree. You laugh so much, smile all the time, talk fresh, argue too much, you have the ability to make my heart melt yet drive me crazy all at the same time.
You are sometimes more than I can handle but with that you have taught me so much about myself and as a mother. You have forever changed my life, the way I see things and have kept me young over these six crazy years.
I want you to know that I love you unconditionally. I love YOU. I LOVE that face at the end of my every day. I love everything about YOU. I don’t love you just because you remind me of your brother or because you hear people say how much you look like him when he was young, or because you try to be just like him, I just LOVE YOU for YOU. I love you for all the ways you are like him and for all the ways you are nothing like him. I love You for You. Little brothers, especially when they are 10years apart can sometimes feel lost in their big brothers shadows always trying to catch up and measure up. I never want you to feel lost. You are vivid, strong, and independent and you are just as important and just as loved. I want you to always keep doing, playing, imagining and adventuring in the things that you LOVE. Sometimes you will love many of the same things as your brother and sometimes you won’t either way its okay. I will still love you just the same and just as much. Your Big Brother leaves a trail with big shoes to fill (literally) and there couldn’t ever be a better person for you to look up to, love or be inspired by but I always want you to know I love YOUR trail and your shoes too even if for now they are different, slower or smaller and I LOVE them just as much.
You give me unspeakable joy and help me fill our serious “by the book” house with so much love, laughter and spontaneous fun. You are my last baby, my baby boy, my little love, my snuggle monster and my hand holder. You will forever and always be known as Momma’s “baby” boy and that’s a title your big brother never had.
Happy 6th Birthday Crazy Kid.
Monday, June 15, 2015
There is a little dirt road leading to the edge of the lake that glistens in the sunshine, the air is full of the scent of barbecue and campfires, you can hear laughter, music, boats and see children running through the fields.
As soon as I turn down the road I feel like I can see my Dad. I feel like if I listen hard enough I will hear his laughter coming from the other side of the campground and I will know just where to find him. A million flashbacks come flooding in that no one else in the car with me will ever understand.
Everything there is a memory. Everything there is just the same yet so different. Everything that’s nothing to them is something to me.
Every glance is a memory. Every face I see reminds me of something good. Then the thoughts come to me of all the faces I can’t see anymore. The way it was is gone. Life changes, people change and times have changed. Our elders pass on and children grow up. The circle of life keeps circling. I was once one of those children running through the fields and now you can see my children in that same field. You can’t go back in time, you can’t relive moments nor would I want to because then I wouldn’t have my beautiful children beside me to make new memories with or be able to tell them “How things use to be”.
Everything is something. Everything is beautiful. Everything reminds me of something special. Everything old is new again as each generation keeps the place alive.
There is this little dirt road leading to anywhere you want it to take you. I take this road even when it’s hard because my Dad would want me to. He would expect me to share this place with my family exactly the way he shared it with me for all of those years. I take the road Dad; I will always take the road.
Friday, March 20, 2015
There are 10 of them, but you only hear about 5 of them. It’s the way it goes. You know their time will come too. It just requires patience and hardwork. They are on this awesome ride just flying low under the radar. They are younger; they are where every other player before them has been. They work just has hard, give just as much commitment and their love for the game is just as great. There is always a next set of boys and the upcoming team lurking in the shadows but until they get there they go unnoticed. That’s sports and it’s just how it works.
They go unnoticed, are never even mentioned by the media or the newspapers and you can see some of the fans leaving the gym when they finally get in the game. Sometimes even family members don’t think they’ve made it until they have reached a Varsity Starting position. That’s sports and that’s just how it works.
So, What’s it like to be a second string Varsity Basketball Player? I can only tell you what it has been like for me as a Mom of a son who is a sophomore who went from being a starter on JV, playing the entire game to making Varsity, getting playing time at the end of game or none at all. I can also tell you I think it’s what you make it, it’s a stepping stone and it’s what they do with it as a player.
They are a team. They are a group of boys who ALL want the same thing, to WIN and to succeed whether they start or sit. They all put in the work and they couldn’t do what they do without each other. They need each other. The starters need the second string to practice and to do the dirty work that no one sees. The second string needs the starters to help them improve their skills and become stronger players. They are a team on and off court which I think is very important. Every year the dynamic of any team changes sometimes just a little and other times a lot. You gain and lose players as each year goes by and adjusting to that is essential as a player. The word team is thrown around a lot, but it’s true that no one person can do it alone. As a second string player I think they sometimes get lost, people look at them differently, make assumptions like they are not good enough or as an important part of the team which just isn’t always the case. I think they all have potential and strengths. It’s not that they aren’t good enough maybe they are just not ready, as experienced on the court, strong enough or big enough yet but they are all definitely important to the success of the team and deserve credit too.
I think our team is amazing in so many ways beyond the wins. I am proud my son got to really know all of these Senior boys this year. I think my son has taken in a lot being with them, they pushed him hard, encouraged, critiqued, helped and supported him. I think the starting five know they need the other five; they appreciate them, their hard work and dedication. I think the five second string boys really respect and are genuinely happy for the starting five and all their successes. I think they come together as a team and in the celebration of a win, put aside who’s done what; they are all just happy living in the moment enjoying the ride. At that moment it doesn’t matter if you start or if you sit you’re just proud, as a basketball player, as a team and as a Tartan.