Thursday, August 22, 2013

...And they lived happily ever after


You know Marriage is not really like a FAIRYTALE.   I know deep down back on your wedding day, in your subconscious you had romantic visions of a Princess finding her Prince Charming and  living HAPPILY ever after….you expected it to go just  like that, Right?

BUT, and of course there is ALWAYS a BUT because let's face it; marriage is not for wimps. You want to believe your love for each other will pull you through but sometimes it just can’t and  if it does it isn’t always pretty.

That may sound ugly but it’s reality. I have been with my Husband for 19 years and we will be celebrating our 12th wedding anniversary this fall. We have been through so much and in my opinion it's the least romantic parts of marriage that have taught me the most about myself, my Husband and our love.

The harsh reality is no matter how great your spouse is they are NOT going to make you happy every moment of every day. There have been plenty of times I have wondered why I ever got married in the first place; this isn’t what I signed up for?  But actually it is, it was for better and for worse. 

You’ve been together for years, now there’s a house, children, careers, bills, school functions, sports, the tedious daily routines, errands, chores that never end and more bills. He LOVES to sit around too much and he spends waaaaay too much time in the bathroom. He snores. You finally got him to put the top on the toothpaste but he can’t seem to get his underwear out of the hall and into a hamper. He is to hard on the teenager and doesn’t have the right amount of patience for the 4 year old. He can’t fix a thing and can barely boil water. You’ve gone from ALWAYS being in the mood to being TO tired to even get in a mood. You struggle, your frustrated, you need a break, Is this what the rest of my life is going to be like, you want to scream, sometimes you even want to leave, but you don’t. 

You don’t leave. You stay. You stay because you LOVE him and the crazy life you created, well and because you never want to have to “share” the kids. You stay because you made that commitment and well you really do LOVE HIM! Marriage is hard. Life is hard. Raising a family hard. There have been times when just staying together has been hard. You find the surprising hard truths you face after the grand ole wedding day teach you the real meaning of love/marriage.

It means you’ve been together for years, now there’s a house, children, careers, bills, school functions, sports, the tedious daily routines, errands, chores that never end and more bills. He still loves YOU! You are his one and only, his best friend. He may sit around too much but he works hard to always provide for the family. He can’t cook but he does dishes, laundry and scrubs bathtubs. He maybe to hard or not have enough patience with the kids but he loves them with all his heart and he is a hands on Dad. He will snuggle, read, play video games, soccer and talk sports all day with them. There may have been times that you are to tired to be in a “mood” but there is not a day that goes by that he doesn’t touch you, hug you or tell you that he loves you. He has forgiven you for big things and little things. He has made sacrifices so you didn’t have to. He is kind and he is sensitive. You two have experienced the greatest joys together and endured tragic loss. He stayed through the hard times and the frustrating life of a married man with 2 children that no one prepared him for either. He stayed because he LOVES YOU too!!

So, as you get older and as your children grow you still want to love him. You want to spend time with him. You want to have dates with him. You want to hold his hand and want him to keep telling you every day that he loves you. You don’t just want to go through life with him, you still want to experience it, love it, and live it with him. You want your children to always know and feel that you love each other and when they are gone you still want to be in love with him. You want to grow old with only him.

Marriage is a dream of every little girl but as you experience it you realize the “dream” was the wedding day because Marriage is hard work and nothing like that.

Marriage is an imperfect, unfairytale like, real-life love story, that's totally worth all the hardwork! 


Tuesday, August 20, 2013

As we said Goodbye and Happy Retirement to our Pediatrician

So today was the day. Our last appointment with our beloved Pediatrician of 14 1/2 years. It feels like a chapter has closed. This may seem silly to some but he was a special "little" Doctor, so yes I brought both kids in for the last time, yes we brought a gift, yes we gave him a card, yes this crazy Momma documented the "last" visit with pictures, which apparently isn't that crazy being that he asked me to take a picture with his camera too....and YES, I wrote him a letter to express my gratitude, well because that's what I do. 

He couldn't read it all, before he was getting choked up, and Thanking me for my Trust in him, then he gave all hugs and we wished him well as he heads off to Retirement land! 

This is the letter I wrote him.

Dear Dr. Chen;

There I was 23 years old a first time mother of a brand new baby boy and there you were this experienced Pediatrician that I had chosen to care for our new baby. Right from the start I trusted you and knew you were the right choice for our new family. You were so thorough and had such a careful yet conservative mind for Pediatric medicine. At first I thought that those were the most important qualities to have in a Pediatrician however I soon realized that you were more than that. You were a great Pediatrician but also a great person. You genuinely cared not only about our new baby but also my well-being.  You have always reassured me, encouraged me and told me I was doing a great job as a Mom, all the things a mother needs to hear. 

After 14 ½ years and 2 children later, I have realized that I never really actually told you what a GREAT job YOU have done being their Pediatrician. I have thanked you sure at the end of each visit or at the end of a phone call but there’s no way I can ever Thank you enough for being such an amazing doctor and keeping our boys healthy and safe. 

You’ve always been honest, patient & encouraging. I feel extremely lucky that both our boys were taken care of by you.  You have always had a warm, attentive manner which made a big difference through a few challenging situations over the years, especially with Tanner as an infant. You were always willing to listen and take the time to answer and respond to my questions and concerns. You have filled out more forms for us over the years for daycare, school and sports than I care to remind you about without complaint. 
You have watched Trevor grow from a 8lb baby to a 6’4, 14 year old, who’s 2x the size of you, so now  who is going to ask that boy at his next appointment “What do you want to be when you grow up?”  You have given us such medical stability and great care with a personal touch that we will always remember and we will truly miss you.

It’s a sad day for this Momma as we say goodbye and send you off to Retirement. Thank you for all you have done for us and we wish you all the best!! 


Thursday, August 8, 2013

Happy 4th Birthday

Four years ago today we were shocked when my doctor said “We need to get him out of there”. This was 4 weeks early and she had told us “Something is just not right, we can’t take the chance of letting you go home”. So he was born 8/8/2009, at 35 ½ weeks, weighing 5lbs 6oz. He seemed so small and so fragile. 

Now 4 years later I still find myself saying “something is just not right” this kid is Crazy and he is far from fragile. He is more like a bull in a china shop. He’s full of life and questions. He is LOUD and never stops talking. He is a tough little guy and could care less if he is filthy dirty. He loves to be outside.  He is sarcastic and talks fresh. He thinks he is hilarious. He makes himself laugh. He is particular, everything needs to be just so or he will freak out. He makes me tired every day.  He usually makes me mad at least once a day. He is the reason why I keep finding gray hairs poking out.  He is the only kid I know who hates bread but wants a thermos full of broccoli for lunch. He is his own person and always thinks he’s right. He is stubborn. He stalls when you ask him to anything or he gets side tracked while trying to finish the task, yet will sit there and do a 75 piece puzzle together all by himself. He is addicted to Smoothies and fruit snacks. He has personalities and “characters” that he is not embarrassed to let shine through. One day he is Jason Aldean, all country, then a complete Jock crazed about sneakers and playing sports or maybe pirate. He is all over the place and keeps us busy. He terrorizes our cats and they both run from him. He fights with his brother which is something I thought having children 10 years apart we would skip out on. He is the type of kid that if he came first you probably wouldn’t do it again and you definitely wouldn’t have done it 10 years later.  

You raise a child for 10 years. You can’t imagine loving another child the way you love and have loved this child for 10 years.  You wonder if you can have the impact on this boy as you did on the first one.  You question your ability to raise an infant and a tween. You wonder if your 10 year old “Momma’s boy” is still going to be “Momma’s boy” because you don’t want to lose that. You just hope you can give the 2nd boy just as much of yourself as you gave to the first one. You soon find you can and you do. You give everything you have to both of them in different ways. It’s not an option or inconvenience, it’s what you want to do, and it’s what you live for and then the day comes when your Husband tells you “You got this one too, he’s obsessed with you”. Then there it is you have 2 Momma’s Boys. 

Because 4 years later the same boy that gave me some gray hair also loves me “up to the sky with 199 hugs and kisses” unconditionally.
He is so lovable. He loves all 3 of us so much. He is the center of the house most times, keeping us all together and making us step out of the daily routine to play soccer, watch a movie, do a puzzle or just watch his teenage brother shoot hoops. He is funny. He makes us smile. He makes us laugh. He is full of surprises. He sings and tells stories. He is affectionate and loves to be held and be hugged. He loves to help me cook. He loves just to be near me. He is a huge snuggler. He loves Carlos (his stuffed monkey) just as much as he loves us. He has ideas about everything and is very smart.  He is his own unique little person that we still sometimes say “something is just not right” this kid's a crazy lil Dude….but we know he is JUST RIGHT for us. He completes us and I could not imagine my life without him in it.

Happy 4th Birthday Tanner! Momma loves you!!

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

"Your father wouldn’t do that you"

So my Mom and I had a little scare 2 weeks ago. Long story short she has been sick with pneumonia 4 times since April. She was treated, chest x-rays, Cat Scan of the Chest, and seen by a Pulmonary Specialist. The Chest CT was abnormal and the specialist ordered a Bronchoscope to check things out further. I was sworn to secrecy until we found out the results to see what was happening. 

I was worried sick. I have worked in the Medical Field for 18 years and I know how these things go.  I have seen this scenario a fair share of times and the outcomes are rarely positive. My Grandfather died of Lung Cancer and that’s all I could think about, that and her history of smoking. She hasn’t smoked in years since my teenage son was little, but that doesn’t take her history away. 

I took her for the test last week. She is prepped and waiting to go in. I am sitting with her. I know she is happy I am there but I know she just wished I was my Dad and that he was the one helping and taking care of her. 

She said “Everything is going to be fine; your father wouldn’t do this you” 

I said “Um, yeah he would, he's probably trying to take YOU” (jokingly of course) 

We laughed. 

She said (in a serious voice) “Your father wouldn’t do that to you, he knows you can’t take much more nonetheless losing both of us”

I said “Ok, we will see”

I went to the waiting room. Talking to my Dad in my head…..thoughts like, let her be ok, let her stay here with us….let her not have to fight another battle of any kind right now….

I went out in the waiting room. Waiting is the worst, but to my shock the doctor came back out within 30 minutes. He said “She’s fine, Lungs are clean” You can go in, just tell them I said you could go in right now. Um, OK.

It was over. She was ok.  I was relieved. My Mom was right, “My Dad wouldn’t do that to me” He may not be here but he was with me that day and he is for sure still looking out for his 2 best girls!!!

This was his favorite picture of us! He had it as his screensaver on his phone for awhile

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

My Best Friend's Suicide

Twenty years ago today August 6, 1993, 4 weeks before my Senior Year was going to begin my best friend passed away. She decided on July 17, 1993 to end her life. She swallowed pills, was in a coma and slowly slipped away from us over the next 3 weeks.  

I was 17 years old. It’s a time of my life that I will never forget. I will never forget the pain and I will never forget the love and support that I received from my family, my friends and my long time high school boyfriend.  It’s tough enough being a teenager nonetheless dealing with such a tragic loss. 

We were so much alike. We were crazy and we would laugh, I just remember ALWAYS laughing. We did things we were not suppose to and never got caught. We spent so many days on the River, swimming, boating and jet skiing. We would just always hang out.  She was always at my house. She was always welcome. She would come to our family camp with us on the weekends. We did everything together for all of our high school years. Her family moved during our Junior year and it was so sad although she was only living 40 minutes away so we could manage. We talked on the phone almost every day and my boyfriend and I would go see her sometimes on the weekends. 

It was July 17th and she called, she was crying. She hated it there, her boyfriend dumped her and she wanted us to come and get her for the weekend. She was crying but we couldn’t go and get her. My family was at our camp and my boyfriend and I had a family obligation with his family. I calmed her down and said maybe we could come and pick her up the following day. The following day never came; she took all those pills that night. That guilt consumed me for so long. Sometimes I think it still does. If we had only gone and picked her up right then? If I done this? If I had done that? I felt like it was my fault. I felt so ashamed for not being the friend she thought I was and letting her down. How she must have felt….to take all of those pills. It was a lot to understand and analyze at 17. 

I never forgot her. I never will. I still visit her grave, I went this summer actually. I know we would still be friends if she were here today; it was just one of those friendships. 

Lisa Michelle Kuttner…… She lives in my heart always.



"Who You'd Be Today" by Kenny Chesney
Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
I feel you everywhere I go.
I see your smile, I see your face,
I hear you laughin' in the rain.
I still can't believe you're gone.

It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder,
Who'd you be today?

Would you see the world? Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family,
I wonder what would you name your babies?
Some days the sky's so blue,
I feel like I can talk to you,
An' I know it might sound crazy.

It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder,
Who you'd be today?