Despite everything I am not, yes I still love myself.

It took me 38 years to know and feel that I truly LOVED myself. I am not talking about my “looks”; I am talking about me, myself and I. It took me into my late 30’s to realize the type of person I WANTED to be not just the person I wanted to portray. 

Before I could love myself I had to FREE myself. Free my mind of nonsense, drama, negativity and hate. Fill myself with positivity, love, acceptance, forgiveness and kindness.  I make a conscious effort to be a good person and live a happy life. 

I am not a skinny model. I am significantly overweight.  I have a stomach covered of old faded pregnancy stretch marks and not one but two cesarean scars.  I have a FAT arm, yes not 2 just one, lucky me.  I have feet that have to be faithfully pedicured or I could use them as a weapon. I have several although new strands of grey hair. I have boobs that can’t fit into cute lil bras because I need 4 hooks to hold these girls in place. I have boobs that without a bra they sag after using them to feed my baby boy for the first 6 months of his life and then I religiously pumped the heck out of them for 2 more. 

 I have made mistakes big and small. I get mad sometimes. I am always late. There are times when I just want to be left alone. I am not always outgoing. I tend to speed mostly because I’m always late.  I am not as organized as I once was. My house hasn’t been as clean as I have always kept it since my 2^nd boy was born almost 5 years ago.  I can be harsh with the truth. 

Despite everything I am not, yes I still love myself. 

I love myself because I truly would like to meet ME. I am FUN. I am funny. I am a nice person. I try to be kind to everyone. I say please, thank you, hold doors and smile at strangers. I look beyond what meets my eye and try to be respectful of what others think or need. I am a great mother and that’s the most important thing in my life. I work hard to try and find balance between raising boys and being a full time working Mom. I really do LOVE my Husband. It’s not a fake, “we’ve been together 20 years so let’s just keep this thing going”, No; I truly care about our marriage and never want it to end. I want to be a good wife. I am a GREAT daughter, sister, Aunt and friend.  I love with my whole heart. I never say things I don’t mean.  I am a giver. I let things go that aren’t important to stress over. I am honest. I am sincere.  Although, I may not be a skinny model, I am pretty. I have great naturally curly hair. I have nice big brown eyes. I have good teeth and a great smile. I am healthy. I have a big loud laugh. I carry all my extra poundage as well as I can and ALWAYS dress it appropriately. I LOVE myself without being conceited, vain or making others feel bad. I am not a jealous person and I LOVE that about myself. I love myself for Me; I love myself because I should. I love myself because it’s makes everything else in my life right. I love myself because I know my true self. 

 I am just your average woman living the life I want and making healthy strides to better myself.  I am just like you and sometimes find myself looking for “more” but seriously when I lay my head down at night I am at peace. I am happy. I am just me. I know who I am. I am proud of who I am. The acceptance of others or the world is not needed and definitely does not validate who I am.

My wish is that ALL women can find this peace and pass it on. Strong Woman building each other up is what this world needs more of.

So there is this boy..........

So there is this boy he’s funny, extremely book smart, athletic, serious, straight laced, follows every single rule and never strays off the path that leads him in the right direction. He is clean cut, lives in a nice neighborhood in a small town. He comes from a family that is together, 2 parents who love each other and a little brother who thinks his Big Brother is a Super Hero.

So there is this boy he’s funny, he’s extremely street smart, athletic and tries to stay on a path that will lead him in the right direction. He is clean cut, lives in the hood of a large city. He comes from a family that is not together and he has several siblings.

So there is this ball. There is this court. There is this game of basketball.  There is this team.

These two 15year old boys from totally different backgrounds come together for the sake of nothing other than to play basketball. 

So there is this boy, he’s huge. He’s comes across rough. He’s pushy, bossy, aggressive and loud. He’s not there to do anything but play ball. He doesn’t want to get to know the other boy or anyone else he just wants to be the star. He’s not there for anyone but himself.

So there is this boy, he’s huge. He comes across like he doesn’t know what to do. He shuts down. He’s intimated. He can’t even understand what the other boy is yelling at him for because he uses so much “slang”.  He wants to play ball as a team. He wants to feel comfortable.  He wants to win.

So, then there’s practices twice a week and up to 4 games every weekend. 

Then all of a sudden there is this "TEAM".

So, then there is this one particular game with these 2 boys in at the same time instead of in for each other. They work that court like nothing else and fight for that win to the very end. There is butt slapping, direction being given instead of being shouted at, pats on the back and high fiving. There is teamwork. 

So, then there are these 2 boys, teammates. 

So there is this boy, he’s huge. He’s rough. He’s pushy, aggressive and a leader.  He’s there to play ball. He opens up. He now smiles and laughs. He wants to be the star. He’s on a team.

So there is this boy, he’s huge. He’s no longer intimated. He’s playing the way his parents know he’s capable of playing. He opens up and learns what he can from the other boy. He now smiles and laughs too. He’s comfortable. He wants to win. He’s on a team. 

So there are trips, hotels, dinners and get togethers.  There are games and practices. There are wins and losses.

There’s this boy who has a parent at each game, trip and dinner. He has clean clothes and matching socks. He has Gatorade and water. He has a Mom who is his biggest fan. He is happy to go home at the end of a tourney day to shower, eat and relax. 

There is this boy whose parents have NOT come to one single game. He sometimes wears his sweaty clothes more than once or mismatched socks. He has Gatorade and water only because Coach or another parent supplies him with it. He has a Mom who came to the door when Coach was picking him up and asked “So is my son a good ball player” He’s grateful for the ride home at the end of a tourney day, that includes a swing by a drive thru so he can grab something to eat but he’s not happy to be going home to relax. 

So then there’s this boy. Who still doesn’t understand all the slang. Who can’t understand how this boy’s Mother doesn’t know whether or not her son is a good player. Who couldn’t understand how or why he would buy a necklace with a machine gun on it off a homeless dude for a $1. Who has said more than once “He should come over to our house, I can teach him how to talk properly and he can help me with basketball”. 

So then there’s this boy. Who still doesn’t want to go home. Who brought home a video that Coach made for him to show his mother. Who vocally expresses and hints around to things he needs. Who opened up, talks, laughs and enjoys every moment with not only the team but with the families too.

So then there are two boys, Friends.

and then there were 11 boys, teammates now all friends all different yet all the same just 15 year old boys with a great love for that orange ball.

"The Hat"

You have to believe in certain things. You have to believe, to keep yourself from thinking you’re crazy. You have to believe that the people you lost but loved the most are always with you especially when you need them the most.  So many, too many things have happened since my Dad passed that makes me believe is he is beside me and watching over not only me but my family.

  I have told the stories before, (for my new page followers this is a brief recap) that my youngest son was 2yo when my father passed away suddenly. He is now almost 5years old.  He randomly asks questions, says things and remembers facts/ details that no 2year old would ever remember. He does and says these things mostly when it’s just him and I. There have been a few occasions when my Husband, older son or my Mom have been around that he blurts something out. Like most recently, last week we were all in the car and he randomly says “I Miss Pop” and says a few random things about heaven.  The week before that I was driving my older son to practice and we hear from the backseat as we pass a cemetery “Is that where Pop’s rock is, Can we see Pop”…… my older son just stares at me, waiting for me to say something.  

So, this morning. I am finishing getting things ready to head out the door and he comes up to me with a visor he found in the bottom of my bedroom closet upstairs. 

His exact words were (4yo):  “this reminds me of that hat Pop had for driving but without a top on it” (as he is using his hands to pretend to drive.)

Me: What was he driving?  

4yo: A boat, you know when I would wear the life jacket, Hey I wonder if that life jacket still fits me, I might need a new one. 

I bring him to the downstairs coat closet and find my Dad’s hat that my Mother had given me to keep. I pull it out….

Me: Is this the hat you mean?

4yo: Yes, that’s it, (his eye light up big as saucers). He takes the hat; he puts it on his head.

Me: You can wear it if you want

4yo: No, I need you to put this back right where it was. I will wear it tomorrow and I think I am going to need a new life jacket.

Me: Ok, when we go to camp, we will try on your life jacket and see if it fits.

That was it. He changed the subject and we went to school. 

The way I have been feeling lately I have to say the timing could not have been more perfect. He’s still with me and he’s apparently telling Tanner it’s time to get a new life jacket this year...... Camp/Safety tips from Heaven. 

My Dad was a man of few words; but just like when he was here, he knows when to speak up, when I need him most and this morning was no exception.  

Always Believe.

What kind of Mom am I?

What kind of Mother am I?

            I am a in your face, honest, their biggest fan, encouraging, lovable, helping hand just let me take one more picture of you kind of Mother.  I LOVE my boys more than life, would do anything for them and I do.

I wake up every morning with them yes even the teenager. I make him his lunch and breakfast while  he gets ready for school. We chat about what’s in store for that day, I always ask him “Do you have everything you need” and off he goes. Then it’s round 2 with the 4yo more of struggle and definitely not as easy right now but we’ll get there. The evening is much of the same, pickups, practices, games, dinner, bath, stories, homework, the same routines and rituals.

Most everything I do on a daily basis is for them. I know I do a lot for my children but I try to keep it a balance as well to ensure they learn to do for themselves. The media is all about we "do too much for our kids" and while  I may make certain things cushy for them, you can be sure when they go off to college they will know how to take care of themselves.

But for now, I will enjoy them. I will do for them, encourage them, teach them, take care of them, spoil them and most of all LOVE them.  I will make my child’s plate for dinner not because he's incapable but because I want to. I will do his laundry and wash his uniforms, not because he 's incapable of using the washing machine but because he works his ass off every day from 7 am to 9pm at night with school, gym, practice, games and then homework. I am his Mom and I want to do this for him.  I will probably make his breakfast every day before school until he leaves the house because I want to. I get up before 7am with my lil guy because I want to and I don’t want him to fend for himself on Saturday morning.  I love taking care of them, doing things for them and being their Mom.  I am not embarrassed and I do not feel it is making them any less of a “man”.  They are my children and it’s my job to teach them and guide them to be independent successful men but it’s also my job to care for them.  I only have so much time allotted to take care of them before they are out on their own, forced into the real world like us, wishing they had someone to take care of them or help them. So for now I will keep caring and doing for them because I WANT TO.

Some may think I do too much but I am just being their Mom and I am just being me. The greatest part of my life is being their Mom.  They are great boys.  They appreciate all I do for them. It shows in their actions or from them just saying “Thank you” to me.  They both LOVE me back just as much. The 15yo still gives me a hug before he leaves for school and before he goes to bed EVERY DAY.  There isn’t a day that goes by that he doesn’t tell me he loves me.  I think that’s a miracle and something to be super proud of as a Mom of a teenager.  The 4yo is just obsessed with anything Momma right now but I think it still counts and hope he follows his brother’s lead on how to treat your mother. 

So when the time comes and it’s time for them to take care of me not because I’m incapable but because they want to help their aging Mom, I will think I have taught them well.