Flashlights from Heaven

So, last night was the night. The night that I explained Heaven to my lil man. He was only 2 years old when my father (his Pop) passed away suddenly. I didn’t think at the time that he would understand the concept of death and we kind of just said Pop went away. Over time he came to think Pop was just away sometimes said he was “at work” and has been away a long time. Since my Dad passed this little boy has never stopped asking, which honestly surprises me being that he was just 2 years and 3 months old when my Dad left us. His asking wasn’t all the time, it wasn’t daily or even weekly but eventually he would ask “when Pop is coming back or where is Pop?”

Our son is turning 4 years old this week and since my Dad passed we have also lost my Grandmother and most recently my Husbands Grandmother. I knew it was time to find the right moment and the right way to explain some things to him.

I went to the book store.

I found a Children’s book that explains death and Heaven. (It is/was really helpful)

I read it twice in the past 2 weeks and last night after his tub got up my courage and read it to him. I told him that Pop is in Heaven. He said “Pop died?” He asked “Why” He asked “Are you going to die” He asked “Am I going to die”  He said “I need a huggy, Momma” 

 Keeping myself together he then asked “Well, when can Pop come back” I said “When you go to Heaven you can’t come back, you stay there” He said “I want Pop here”  

He asked a lot. I explained a lot. I told him that is also where Gram Landry went and that Grandma Shannon just went there too. I also told him that is where our Doodle (our dog) is too. 

I told him that Heaven is way up in the sky past the clouds. He was consumed with saying “Pop died” (with a question tone to his voice) 

I told him Pop can see him and he looks out for him. I told him whenever you want to talk to Pop you look up to the sky because he can hear and see you but you can’t see him. 

He wanted to go outside. It was almost dark….but I took him outside any way. I told him we could look for stars. I told him not all the lights are stars but that some are “flashlights” of people in Heaven looking down on people they love and miss. He said “I want to find Pop’s flashlight” There were no “flashlights” last night, as it was too cloudy.  As he is sitting on my hip, his arms around my neck…. searching for Pop’s flashlight, I told him that I didn’t think we would be able to see it tonight but he could look up to the sky and say Night Night to Pop. He said “Good Night Pop” in a normal volume.  *pause* He said “those clouds are far away I don’t think he heard me”  and he screamed on top of his lungs “Night Pop” and then held his little hand to his ear and said “I don’t hear anything” I said remember we can’t see or hear Pop anymore he can only see and hear us. 

He went to bed shortly after that. We were all tucking him in and he had to look out the window one last time from his room just to see if he could see Pop’s "flashlight". I felt relieved, sad and brave for telling him all about this. I felt like I did a good job, as he wasn’t scared or worried and seemed to understand what I was saying. I just felt sad. I felt like he was the last piece keeping my Dad alive. I know that sounds so weird and probably selfish but I felt like that was the finale the last thing I had to do regarding my Dad. 

When he woke up this morning, he asked “Did Pop die?” He said “I wish he could come back here but you can’t come back from way up there” He said “I know Pop will protect me from mean people”

That’s right Little Dude, you got it.